Thursday, April 30, 2009
Yesterday I spewed out all my frustrations onto this startled page, and posted it. I had a wonderfully supportive comment from Rosaria, thank you. But, it's been bothering me to leave all that anger and negativity out there. It does not need to go outward from me (nor inward either, for that matter, but that's another story). So, it's gone. Instead I want to pose the bigger questions: Does the world operate with less integrity these days? Has it always been the same? Do I also have "integrity deficit disorder?" And, most importantly, what can I do to make a difference?
at 10:37 AM
Monday, April 27, 2009
FIRST - Happy Birthday to my youngest child, my son. You are 21 today, and I am so proud of the man you have become. _______________________
Yesterday we took and adventure day to the ocean. New Hampshire has but 20 miles of coastline. Yesterday I neeeded to see it. I needed the air, open view, rythmn of water. I've been at The End Of My Rope, and needed the vastness of sea and sky to reset. I had a great time looking and looking, from the endless horizon to the tiny periwinkles in a tidal pool.
at 9:35 PM
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Will be back soon. My computer died on Friday - rather the light in the monitor dimmed to unuseable. I've been trying to get it's replacement since. I spent quite a bit of time driving around to get the one I wanted. I think the only one in the entire state was in Seabrook! JUST got home with it. Still setting it up - but it's time to go to bed. I missed everyone this weekend!
at 10:05 PM
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
This is what my yoga instructor read in class this evening:
Go in and in.
Be the space,
between two cells,
the vast, resounding silence in which
the spirit dwells.
Be sugar dissolving
on the tongue of life.
Dive in and in
as deep as you can dive.
Be infinite, ecstatic truth.
Be love conceived and born in union.
Be exactly what you seek,
the Beloved, singing Yes,
Tasting Yes, embracing Yes,
until there is only esssence;
the All of Everything
expressing through you
as you. Go in and in
and turn away from
nothing that you find.
From her book of poetry
Go In and In
at 9:26 PM
Monday, April 20, 2009
I love this tree in my backyard. Even though its top half broke off, it found another way to keep growing. It persevered. Outside of the picture, it continues straight and tall for many feetabove the other's nearby. I went back to take the photos of those stone walls I wrote of earlier. This is our other, elderly PWD, about to jump off. He is another inspiration in our lives. Two years ago he developed a strange nasal blockage. His nose would bleed, and he would sneeze and sneeze blood. One night, awakening us from sleep, he sneezed so hard and so long that out came a marble sized piece of tissue. We took him and the tissue to the vet's and they determined that the tissue was malignant that he had cancer in his nasal cartilage. Because the nose is so close to the brain and eyes, they felt it would spread quickly and he would die in less than 6 months. Since his cathetic sneezing episode, however, he has not has one nosebleed, not slowed down, not exhibited a single sign of illness, confusion, blindness, nothing (other than old age weakness in the hindquarters). Two years. Here is a question that my yoga instructor posed one night after class: "How do you reconcile the two seemingly inconsistant views that one should always strive for self-improvement and that one is perfect just the way you are?"
at 11:58 AM
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I went home to my walk last evening, the most beautiful day we have had since last Fall, nearly 70, blue skies, breezy, blessings of the gods flowing, pouring, enveloping all creatures down on Earth. I started my walk down the usual path. Then I just decided that today was the day that I was going to explore the stone walls that traverse the middle of wooded acres in which the town path makes its circle. (And, DARN, I did not bring my camera! I would go back today to capture the mini-discoveries, but it's Saturday - that means it's overcast and dark - see buds against the gray skies below.)
The particular stone wall that runs down the middle of this wood is the biggest I have seen around here. I've mentioned it here before, but up close it is even more impressive. You could drive a small car down it, it's that wide. Then, to stand next to that wall, looking along its length as it disappears in the distance, and to stand amidst the thick stands of trees, big trees every few feet as far as you can see so you are in the dark even on the sunniest of days, and then imagine it all cleared. I saw it as a movie scene, when the set fades from one vision to another in memory. The darkness in which I was standing turned to the bright sunlight I would feel if there were no trees. It almost made me dizzy, like when the Island flashes to another time in recent Lost episodes. It felt like ghosts from the era when the walls were built were all around me: oxen teathered to plows, puffing with effort, hoofs alternately thudding softly in dirt and clanging against stones; laborers, sweating in the sun, lugging all those stones erupting from the tilled earth to heave onto that gigantic wall.
I've walked along the path in those woods a hundred or more times. I saw all this when I left the path, to walk a different way.
at 9:03 AM
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I'm still reeling from tax day; I've had a splitting headache all week, going to bed at 8:00. Taxes seem to be sooooo amorphous, changeable, unpredictable, when one is self employed. Who knew one could make less money yet have to pay more in taxes? Okay, since I got that off my chest, this vicious gripping headache is muffling my thoughts and ability to communicate. Yet, it is also reminding me of my PLAN. Although I've confessed, or should I say professed, our plan to embark on a long term sailing adventure, the plan includes about a year of pre-sail preparation. In addition to working as much as possible for the financial end of plans (or treading water while we wait for the recession to end), I also need to take a Coast Guard sailing, seamanship and safety course this summer. There are a lot of things I need to learn, like what do you do when the boat rolls in a hurricane! What I am trying to say is that The Plan will take some time to impliment, mostly because of the economic situation. It's frustrating for me and slow storytelling for you. But - in every way I am glad for our choice.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Today is going to be a photo blog. This is my yard in April. Yeah - underwhelming I know. Yet, my point is both to take note of the positives, the little wonders, some of my favorite spots, and to remember. It will make June all that much more luscious. Notice the thermometer reading 45F on our Sugar Maple (where maple sugar comes from) next to the ubiquitous stone wall.
You can just make out my reflection in the raindrop on the emerging columbine leaves.
The only flower in the yard.
I love the colors of my house. My house was white, just white, for 26 years. When I had it painted for the first time a few years ago, I picked the color of the door from the stem of an eggplant leaf in the garden. I wanted the gray to be like the sky, or fog, ever changing, not quite describable. It turned out perfectly. Today is a steel gray overcast day, which is reflected in the color.
The bridge over our little stream.
The view up my driveway and my neighbor's barn.
at 3:39 PM
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Okay, we've got a plan, and I can't wait to tell you! We've been trying to decide which of several enticing paths (see Robert Frost's poem below) we want to take next in our lives. Even though I've only started my business 4 years ago, and John his new career last year, we've been looking ahead to what's next. Travel, the ocean, and exploration have been calling. Of course, it would all be so easy if we won the lottery ... but suddenly, mutually, we just seemed to come to full realization that life IS what WE make it, and we can make it, make it happen. It might not be easy, might be financially risky, might have to let go of earthly possessions like a house or sports car, but living dreams are also about choices. So, we have set our feet firmly on the path that is grassy and wanting wear: we are going to take a hiatus from our office and sail. I mean, take off for a year or two, live on the boat and go as far as time and money will take us.
This is my first public declaration. There is a lot of plan making ahead, and I can't wait to share.
at 8:35 PM
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Saturday, and another blah weather day: windy; grey; chilly. But, the grass is getting green, and the perennials are starting to peak above the dirt and push aside last year's sodden leaves. I did the first bit of gardening today. Yeah! The beast that is the snow is cornered into individual, dirt covered piles in the shadows, no longer the ominous monster of March.
Yet, I So want to get out of here! Is it the inevitable feeling of Spring to feel the restless yearning for new sights, smells and tastes? Darn the terrible economy! Though many are far worse of than we are, still travel is just not a smart choice right now. But, I want to see the ocean. The coast is only an hour and half drive from here, and all I have to do is hop into the car. Yet, the idea of grey ocean smashing against grey rocks in the wind and chill is just not inspiring me. We have a plan, though. If the sun comes out next weekend, it will warm things up. John and I plan to take a drive, maybe to Cape Cod. We just have to find a dog friendly B&B. Last November we took a spur of the moment trip to Nantucket and found a charming B&B that accepted dogs, even though the owner nearly had a heart attack when she heard we had 3, AND that they were each about 70 lbs!
Well, since the outside was not inviting today, I had to cook some comfort food. First was chocolate frosted Toll House cookie bars, and then some homemade macaroni and cheese with cauliflower, right out of a recent issue of Real Simple Magazine. So, I'm raising my glass to today - Cheers! While we still wait patiently for warm weather and sun on our skin, life is nonetheless joyful. Me and all of my loved ones are healthy and happy, and I am fortunate enough to have plenty of good food for my tummy.
This is nothing to do with today. This photo was stored right next to the one above on my computer, and it made me smile and miss my girls.
at 6:55 PM
Thursday, April 2, 2009
This morning I found that the large plastic bin in which I keep the bird feed was tipped over, pulled open, and the remaining bags of seed and nuts ripped apart and eaten. That means we had a visit from a bear! I wish I had seen it. I think the wildlife with which we share our world are just fascinating. And, good for them for keeping going even with all our human encroachment and destruction.
Now, I do not anticipate that a neighborhood bear will be a problem, not with three dogs in the house. I'll just have to be careful about leaving any food or trash outside, or in the car, overnight. My summer car is a soft top convertible. Yikes, I can just see that top getting shreded 'cause I forgot to take in the leftovers from a dinner out ....
at 12:23 PM
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I recently went to a seminar that included a presentation by a private detective. The man was a former state policeman. He has been involved in crime and people behaving badly for a long time. As he was demonstrating to the group about how he "catches" people, he commented that people always follow a routine, or have a pattern. He was expressing how easy it is, really, after all. People lying, cheating, commiting crimes or at least betrayal. He had this sad, resigned look about him - they'll get caught: everyone acts with routines. If you can follow someone to someplace once, they'll go again. Primarily, I thought this man was so sad and cynical. But then I thought about whether or not I blieved that everyone follows routines, behaves in patterns. No! Really? Are we all so predictable? Mindless in our day? Is routine good for our souls, or stifling? At first, I did not believe that my schedule had any routine at all, except for when I arrived and left work. But, as I thought about it, the patterns emerged (Think "The DaVinci Code" - if I knew how to upload the music, I'd do it). I awaken at the same time, take the dogs out, fill the bird feeders, take the towels off of the towel warmer, while I wait for the hot water in the shower, I look out the window to see if I can see deer in the yard or just to see what I can see, my shower even has a usual progression of tasks, even dressing, makeup and hair, and on and on. Almost each tiny step of my entire morning IS routine! Now, even though the rest of the day isn't quite as choreographed, still.... I don't know what I think about that.